Let me start off by saying I have no idea where this blog is going but I felt the urge to post. I know, sounds dumb!
For the last few years I have been on a roller coaster ride that hasn't been exactly pleasing. There have been downs, downs and more downs. Last summer, a friend made me open my mind, mouth and heart to take a good look at myself. I was to the point of feeling like I was about to explode every morning when I woke up and I hated to hear what anyone said to me. I could not face looking at myself in the mirror because I was so miserable. My friend told me that unless I addressed my issues with myself, I could never get any relief. I knew what two of my major problems were but had no idea how to face them.
I woke up feeling like I was in a prison, went to work feeling like I was in a prison and came home feeling like I was in a prison. By the end of last year I thought I was going to have to go to the funny farm. There had to be more to life than feeling like a prisoner in your own body. There was no haven for me anywhere. Thanks to my cousin I found a little solitude as I tried to sort things out.
It isn't that I want to be greedy, I just had not seen happiness in a very long time. If you cannot look in the mirror and like the person looking back at you there is a problem. I was there. Not only did I hate my world, I hated myself. That is a very bad spot to be. Through the years there have been people that have been exceptionally mean spirited to me and there have been people that have hurt me physically. until you release those things, there will not be a person looking back at you in the mirror that you will ever like.
When things change, sometimes not every one understands. There are loved ones that believe I am being selfish. There are loved ones believing that I am not being "open". There are loved ones who don't have a clue how bad I hated myself before I decided to do something about being me again.
I don't ask anyone to agree with me or take sides. I just ask that they understand how unhappy I am. Everyone deserves to be happy. If I am not happy, I sure cannot make the people around me happy. If I cannot be happy, I am guessing I am making everyone else as miserable as I am.
I am short, fat, ugly, uneducated, have no future but I have made up my mind to find happiness in life. If I am unhappy, it will be by my own doing. If I am unhappy, I shall have no one to blame but myself. There is a lot to learn about me. I am on the quest to find it.
For anyone that cares, no, I am not going off the deep end. ( I cannot swim and I am not ready to drown) I am going to wade in the water and get comfortable. I am going to pursue the things on my bucket list that I always felt I was too chicken to do. I am going to be a little more daring. I will look in the mirror and like the person looking back at me. I will be a free spirit.
In the last year I have learned to accept who I am. I am me. I should not be ashamed of who I am. I felt inferior to the people I graduated with. No more. I felt like I deserted the people I went to school for 9 years with. No more. I have connected with many old friends. Some from different areas of my life. I have learned to root for my friends. I have learned that it isn't about being jealous that others have life easier or have life worse. We are all alike. We all have feelings, we all hurt and we all put on our pants one leg at a time every morning.
If you ever hear me say that I am happy for you, that is not a platitude, it is honesty speaking. If I say I love you, I love you. If I say that my heart hurts for you, well, you get the picture.
If I can be honest with myself, I can be honest with you. I won't spill my guts about something I know about you that is a secret because I respect you. If I promise to pray for you, I will lift you up.
I am learning to be this person......one step at a time. I think that just might ultimately be the biggest thing I will ever do on my bucket list. Find myself.
Until I get the urge again,
Vera
